LET'S TALK. . .

I remember the day I lost control like it was yesterday, and every emotion I felt during those ten minutes still causes me to lose sleep weeks later. . .
I was on the floor of my closet with tears rolling down my face, finding it hard to breath, my heart pounding in my chest.. And I was scared out of my mind because I had no clue what was wrong with me. What should I do? Do I call someone, will they even care? Will my family just yell at me, tell me "to get my shit together" or "how are you always so sad, you have such beautiful children that need you"? Is anyone going to believe me when I express how I just don't want to live like this anymore, that I'm so tired of praying, of fighting through this darkness day in and out? Or will they think I'm just being dramatic again? Who will understand this pain that is constantly eating me up inside? These were the questions I asked myself as my hands begun to shake and my breathing became more rapid.. And I realized that I didn't feel like anyone in my life would understand me in that moment, not in the way I needed them to. So, I got my phone and reached out to people that I hoped could finally get me the help that I needed. I dialed the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and I will forever be thankful to Rick who saved my life that day.
And after the phone call.. I felt better but empty.
The only people I spoke to were my mother and boyfriend. I felt like a failure, I could barely look them in the eye. Here I was, a twenty-seven woman who should have her shit together by now but the truth I had to admit to them was.. I don't. I cried and cried, ignored my phone, and slept, barely being able to keep my eyes open for longer than a few hours. I was completely done with life that weekend.
I begged my boyfriend to just let me go, sobbing out the pain, finally breathing the words that I had been holding back for so long.. how tired I was of feeling like I'm not good enough for this beautiful life I've been given. I didn't deserve my children, I didn't deserve anything.
I was tired of praying, done trying to understand my mind, and all the hope I had was drained out of me. I felt as if I was nothing.
I didn't want to keep trying to be everyone to everybody while feeling like I wasn't anyone at all. I couldn't continue being everyone's rock while being left with nothing for myself at the end of the day.
It's now been a couple of weeks since this day. . .
I can't say that I'm better because I'm not sure.
What I can tell you is that I'm still fighting and that has to count for something.
These demons that I face make me feel like giving up every day despite the love I feel from my children telling me that I'm the best mom in the world. I constantly feel like a disappointment and a burden in the lives of the people I love. And sometimes I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
But I have more great moments in my life, too. When I'm the one that makes people smile or laugh, when I get to snuggle with my boyfriend and children and feel on top of the world inside their love, or all the times when I'm reminded of what a great life I've been given.
I haven't been the same since that day.. I see it in the way I force my smiles or how I'm overly sarcastic, the way I use distractions to escape the demons inside my head. But I also see that I'm not alone and how I must continue to fight these demons and struggle through the pain to come out alive.
I don't believe that it'll always be this hard, even if I do hit another low point in my life, because a lot of my hope has slowly been restored inside of me.. And for that, I'm thankful.
I'm not writing this to make people feel sorry for me or for strangers to reach out to me, I have the support of the people who are close to me and that's more than enough for me. I don't need that. I'm writing this because I'm tired of being ashamed of something that is such a huge part of what makes me who I am.
And if you've been where I have I want YOU to know that YOU'RE not alone.
YOU'RE NOT WEAK.
You're one of the strongest people in the world. I know how hard it is to wake up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror, and like what you see enough to keep going another day.
You deserve the world and there are people out there that will care about you.. You just have to be brave enough to open up to the people you love, the ones that will hear you.
I'm slowly getting through this and I promise that you can, too.
Please don't be afraid to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - if you don't like talking on the phone there are texting services and chatting. Trust me, it's a real person on the other end of the line that will care and listen. <3


xxo


No comments :

Post a Comment