A lot has been happening in my personal life.
I've been stuck in cement, unable to move, only able to watch things passing by or crashing around me. And most of these things passing by are good, such as, my family, especially my children being the amazing little humans that they are. Some of it has been awful, like when I reached my breaking point and had a nervous breakdown last weekend. I've felt like I've been losing my shit because I can't hold on to the good moments or take away the awful things going on in my life right now. All I can do is keep watching.
Have you ever felt this way? I'm sure most of you have. Where we feel completely disconnected from ourselves, or when we're simply on auto-pilot and suddenly it's April, and we have no idea how we got here so quickly.
Overall, I am happy, I feel like I need to say this so I don't scare anyone. But even when you feel generally happy, sometimes you can feel when something is just off. And because of this I've mostly kept to myself lately, trying to find my way out of this rut because I want to do it alone. There was a time when I'd stare at my phone wishing that I could reach out to family or friends and tell them how I've been feeling, but a part of me knew that they just wouldn't get it. There are some who would tell me to pray or have faith in a God I'm not sure I believe exists, or to just look at my kids every day (as if I don't) and remember they are reason alone to make me happy.
Here's the thing, my kids do make me extremely happy.
But.. as parents. Isn't it important for us to make ourselves happy outside of our children, too?
Or there would be people telling me things I already know and believe. How life will get better, we just have to get through these ruts in our lives because it'll all lead to better things. I know this, I just don't feel up to hearing any of these things right now. I only want to complain for an hour, get it all out, and lose my shit with someone else, and have that be perfectly okay.
Shouldn't it be okay to lose our shit every now and then? No one is perfect nor does anyone live a perfect life, no matter how beautiful your Instagram feed is. I've been watching 13 Reasons Why (on Netflix), and I've seen it all over Facebook and Twitter, people praising the meaning of the show, how truthful/real it is. How refreshing it is that we can see how vulnerable these characters are. And we crave this brand of art because we want to know that we aren't alone in this life. So why is it so hard for us to be real with each other? Shouldn't we be able to call our friends and say yea, my life just fucking sucks sometimes.
I've been constantly on edge or anxious, and just generally stressed about a lot in my life. I've been embracing it all, though. What else can I do, you know? I have to ride out this time in my life because, yes, things will be better and easier soon. And I know I'll come out of this okay, especially when there is more good in my life than bad.
My point is this. I think it's okay for us to not be okay sometimes.
To be a complete mess.
Who said that we aren't allowed to show our more vulnerable side to other people? Finding our family and friends and telling them.. Look, I just need to complain and that's all. I don't need to hear how things will get better. I need us to both be upset and lose our shit together for just one minute.