Losing my father has been incredibly crippling for me.
I have so many unresolved feelings regarding my dad. There isn't a moment in my day where I'm not wondering how those conversations we never had would be like.
When I first found out that he passed away.. I laughed.
I felt as if I was in a dream, like this couldn't really be happening. His family must be playing a trick on me. It was only hours before that I even found out that he was sick, so it was hard for me to believe any of it was real.
I took a shower immediately after finding out.. That's when the shock finally began to ware off.
I completely broke down. I cried hard. I punched my door. I was so frustrated. I was so angry. I was just so damn pissed that I wasn't there. I couldn't even call him to tell him that I forgive him.. That all I ever wanted was his love and to love him back. I was heartbroken.
I wondered who is going to walk me down the aisle now, dad?!
I know it's a weird thought to have, but that's what I was thinking.. I always dreamed of my wedding day, and the most important part of that day would be my dad walking me down the aisle. Being there. Being a part of something important happening in my life.
I wanted that and now I'll never have it.
It breaks my heart.