"Let someone love you just the way you are - as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room."
I've become a bit of an impulsive person these past few months. I've written and deleted a few posts on this little space of mine.. Which I feel as if I need to explain these actions of mine. I'm going to be completely honest in this post. I recently saw this quote, "She threw away all of her masks and put on her soul." This post is my soul, my heart, my tears, me.
It's no secret that my father's passing hit me hard.
My father left our home when I was a teenager. I used to look back at this fact as if it in no way shaped who I am as a person. I know better now. It completely changed my life.
If you've been with me for awhile then you know how I've struggled with my depression for a long time, and in my teenage years it was at it's peak without me even knowing it. I went through a weird stage in my life, like we all do.. I was hardly home. I was out drinking, doing drugs, doing anything to numb the hollowness I felt inside of me. This stage of my life lasted a long time.. Up until my senior year of high school, in fact.
The day I wanted to end it all.
I was just so tired of being lonely. Being surrounded by people but no one really SEEING me.
I sat in my bathroom contemplating where to go from here.
Crying. Asking God why. Why was I even alive? How could he put me through all of this pain? What was it for? Why am I so broken?
That's where I was after my father left.
After that final scare and a personal scare with drugs and a long night.. Well, I said goodbye to that girl. I said goodbye to those friends who made me feel even emptier inside. I said goodbye to drugs, to alcohol, to all of it. And I grew up.
Fast forward to 8 years later and my father passing away.. Hitting me right in the gut. Opening up that part of me that I buried a long time ago. Bringing back that girl I thought I still had time to find, and allow to properly heal with the help of my father's apology that would eventually come (before my wedding preferably).. But that girl realized that she would never get that apology. She would never hear if her father loved her. She would never hear if her father forgave her for saying how much she hated him. She would never hear from him again.
With that girl brought that impulsiveness side I've been showing.
I want you to know that I have a very loving family.
My mother loves me unconditionally. I know she does because I feel it everyday and I appreciate her. I appreciate all the people that text me everyday to check in on me and tell me they love me. I see them. I feel their love. But.. Who I've been this past few months has not cared because I've been craving love from one person. I've been needing the acceptance from one person.
I opened myself up to a certain degree.
I wrote and showcased a part of me I thought deserved love.
I just wanted ONE person to see me. To hear me. To love me.
Of course, that never came.
Then I latched on to ideas of other people filling the void my grief left me with.
I just wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel needed. I wanted someone to care about me for a change. So, I clung to impossible ideas and became nothing but disappointed when the things from my imagination never came true within the last few months. It left me a bit hopeless.
I reached my breaking point after a conversation I had.. Realizing that I was not even being myself when I was speaking anymore. Realizing that I was forming responses in my mind before I spoke.. Realizing that I was hiding me. I was performing because I just wanted to feel loved from people that were the closest thing I would ever get to my father.. But that's not what I want. I don't want people to love only a part of me. I want the people who are meant to be in my life to love ALL of me. And that is when I realized I needed a change.
This is going to sound a bit silly, but again.. This is the real me right now (finally).
I sat down and wrote goodbye letters. To my father. To the people who I was trying to gain love from. To the people I truly love. To the teenage part of my soul.
I said goodbye to the false dreams, the false love, and everything that has made me not me these past few months.. I said goodbye to my teenage self. To be honest, I know I'll always wonder how my father truly felt about me. I hear stories about how much he loved me, but none of it means anything to me unless he were to tell me himself that he always loved me.
It's been a few weeks since I wrote those letters and after finding acceptance I'm finally doing a lot better. My life is still a bit of a blur some days. I still feel that hollowness inside of me. I still feel a bit lonely at night, like there's one less person in this world that will forgive me for being a complete nut job. Some mornings I have a brief moment where it's hard to think I'll ever get through the day.. But I'm finally growing and living.
I'm finding my way back home.. To the person I know I am. That person is completely broken and flawed. I feel like there isn't much to know about me.. I care even more deeply for the people in my life now and I'm not afraid to express it, if I ask you how you are it isn't because I'm just being nice it's because I actually care. If I'm not creating then I'm simply not living. I like to quote many books and television shows, especially The Office. I also cry a lot. Thanks to my need to express my feelings I tend to tell everyone my life story when I talk to them. I get angry just as much as I get sad.. And I'm a clean freak.. See, not much to know right?
Lastly, thank you for taking time to read this (if you're still here).
I thought opening up about where I am in life was the perfect way to come back to Simply Nicollette. I could've showed you pretty, happy photos of my children but again, that would only be showing you a part of me instead of every ugly detail. I appreciate how patient you've been with me and I can't thank you enough for the sweet words that you send my way. I feel the love from you.
I didn't write this to play the victim or have people email me that they are worried about me. Like I said, I have a great support system and really great best friends. But this is the side not everyone gets to see, and I hope someone finds some hope from it.
I saw this quote the other day, "We are all just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love, or a broken heart away from becoming a completely different person. How beautifully fragile are we that so many things can take but a moment to alter who we are forever?"
I will never be the same person I was before my father passed away and I've finally accepted that. I no longer miss that person. I actually like the person I now am. What I hope you get from my story is that life can change in an instant.. I never thought this would happen to me, and I used to believe that if it did then I'd be okay.. But obviously that wasn't the case. You just never know what life can throw at you, but after the pain and grief goes away I hope you see the hope at the end of the tunnel. I hope you see how a tragic situation can turn your life around in a beautiful way.