I always find it awkward when old friends tell me that I ended up 'okay' in my life. I guess somewhere along the line they believed I would either fail or do something spectacular in my lifetime, but I've somehow ended up just doing okay.
I'm not sure where I see myself - whether it's doing well, okay, or horrible.
I know that I'm happy. I know that I feel incredibly lucky.
There's a lot to consider when I think about it.. The biggest thing I consider as I ask myself - How have I ended up in my life?.. Is am I a good mother?
My children are growing up in a loving home, and lucky for them they continue to be grossed out by their parents kissing. I know how blessed I am with all the things I have in my life.
But - Am I a good mother? Being called a good mother makes me feel uncomfortable because there are many times where I don't believe it, no matter how great things are.
I can be selfish.
I freak out over little things.
I obsess over cleaning.
I am a crazy person when I'm hungry.
I have so many flaws that affect my children.
I am constantly worrying over every little thing I do after I actually do them.
I wonder if my children will remember me laying in bed an extra 10 minutes before getting up and making them breakfast.
I wonder how my laziness will affect my children as they grow up.
I am constantly stressing over the fact that my flaws may make my children feel the need to harm themselves or others in the future.
I wonder if by buying them that toy to make up for not going somewhere will somehow make them believe they can just buy themselves out of every situation.
..& then the reading. I continue to read every article that is telling me that I am doing everything wrong - Why did I let my 3 year old watch Jurassic Park, did I just ruin his future?!
I have no idea what I'm doing.
It drives me crazy.
Is this how all parents feel?
I make a lot of mistakes.
I'm positive I'll continue to make mistakes. I don't think that I will ever stop obsessing over these mistakes either. All my sleepless nights where I obsess and obsess, I know that I learn from each of these mistakes and that is what helps me continue to be a better mom the next day.
I guess this is how motherhood is going to be for me.
I'm okay with that.
So, as I ask myself - How have I ended up in my life? I think I'll just consider myself happy - whether I'm a good mom or a bad mom that day. I'm happy, I'm not sure if that justifies me doing just okay in my life or not - but I'm okay with that, too.
Next time you think about your life and wonder whether you are doing well or horrible.. I hope that if you are like me, and take all your flaws into consideration, that you don't let your thoughts define you. Here's my secret - I take a deep breath and I kiss the ones that I love, the ones who make me who I am. Every time I kiss my children - especially those goodnight kisses - those are my promises to them. That's all I have. My promise to always be a good mother to them, I will never let them down as their mother. I will always love them, and that is what helps me remember that it doesn't matter if I'm doing just 'okay' in my life - We're happy and that is what matters.
A kiss is as good as a promise.