There is nothing more annoying than life throwing you a curve ball when things have been going so great.. & it's not just a soft curve ball. It's a huge curve ball, one that completely tears you apart.

We've all had those curve balls thrown at us at one point of our lives.. if not all the time.
{ raises hand }
I have been through a lot in my life, a lot of problems.
We all have them. We all have those problems that make us want to crawl back in bed and forget the day even exists. We all have memories that hurt, the memories we wish would just go away. Those memories broke us. They tore us apart, sometimes they still do tear us apart as we think back to them.
They could be big, like a tough break up - They could be small, like locking your keys in the car.
Memories. Problems.
We all have memories of problems.
We all make memories by having problems that hurt us.
Some are easy to move on from.
Some are easy to be strong for.
Some make us really, really want to cry.

Recently, I made a new memory.
A new problem made it and will forever break me as I reflect back to it - as I write this, it is breaking me apart more..

I find something different as this memory is made though, I find myself wanting to fight.
I don't want this memory to continue to make me fall apart.
All my memories - ALL of them have always torn me apart and ripped me to shreds.. & I have always left the pieces on the floor to live there and sit in my heart. I never dared to pick any of them up because I was too scared of allowing them to hurt me more.
I have always been fragile.
I have never been strong.
.. right?
How could I allow myself to believe in this.. I am fragile and not strong?
I have been through so much.
I have suffered loss - I have suffered pain.
.. but I am still here.
Maybe I really am strong.

These memories that haunt us - all the problems that have caused us pain, the ones that remind us of all the pain and loss we once felt.. Those memories aren't there to really remind us of this, they are there to remind us of the strength we carry within us.
We can't let these memories hurt us anymore. We can't feel sorry for ourselves.
I have always thought that I shouldn't allow myself to enjoy life because soon it will throw that curve ball and I would be torn apart again - but this is no way to live.
If you feel the same way as I do, I hope this helps when I say..
Even though life may hit us hard and cause us to break down - I hope you know that you can survive them, because you have always survived problems like the new one you are facing.
I hope you believe in yourself.
I hope you believe you are strong not because someone is telling you that you are strong, but because you truly see now that the memories you hold are memories to show your strength not pain.

You are strong.
Keep fighting.
.. just like you always have - even if you never realized it.
I will not let this tear me apart.
I will remember that I am still here, I am still alive.
I see all of you, I see your pain, and I feel it.
I feel all of it as I write this..

We are strong.



I can't believe that I am about to write this..
I will be 25 years old by the end of the month.
{ whaaaaaaaaat?! }
Yes, I have survived 25 years on this planet - so far.

Turning 25 feels more symbolic to me than the year I turned 21 - a part of me feels like this is the year to stop making dumb choices that lead to stupid mistakes.

Dumb choices and stupid mistakes.
Both have led me to believe that this life of mine is not worthy of using the word 'proud' in the same sentence as 'my life'. I have never felt proud when I reflect on my life.

I used to be a dreamer.
At the young age of 16 years old, like many teenagers eager to grow up, I dreamt of the days of being an adult and paying my own bills. I dreamt of becoming an accomplished creator inspiring others with my works of art - I dreamt of changing the world.
.. & now I am a soon-to-be 25 year old stay at home Mom.

I hate to admit this, but if someone would have told my 16 year old self that I would be a stay at home Mom by the time I was 25.. I probably would have laughed in their face.
It used to break my heart that this was my life. I would stay awake at night wondering how I got to this point and try to find ways to make myself feel like my life was more than being just a Mom. I wanted to be successful like the stories I would read about others my age - I'm talking about you Veronica Roth, writing Divergent at the age of 21. I wanted to be changing the world by inspiring others through my works of art, like I once dreamt of.

I say those things above using the past tense because those thoughts are not what I feel now.

Starting this new year - I decided not to make any resolutions.
I decided not to think that just because it's a new year that I would somehow magically change.

I did decide on something else.

I decided to open my heart.
I decided to open my eyes to the full picture of what I see every day, the FULL picture of my life.
.. & there were many things I soon realized - many, many things.

How could I have ever thought that my life was not enough?
How could I have ever thought that I was not the dreamer I once was?
How could I ever think that my life was something NOT to be proud of?

I may not be an author of a best seller.
I may not have a job that helps hundreds of people at a time.
.. but I do have a really important job.

I am a Mother.

I am lucky to be given this amazing life to raise people to become something great.
I am able to inspire these little ones.
I am able to help them grow.

I am a Mother.
I am enough.