LIFE GOES ON

"Your struggle is worth your success"
Someone once said that all great people struggle - they haven't met one successful person who hasn't been through a time where life did nothing but knock them down.

I spend a lot of time thinking that the universe is out to tear me apart.
I'm in such a weird stage of my life right now. I want it all - I want to be alone but I want a perfect home life at the same time. It's all very confusing. It's been a struggle ever since I had that 'aha moment' when I realized that I went from being someone's daughter to someone's mother without ever being no one's at all - It's been a rough couple of years trying to find peace with where my life has led me to.

It has been a long time since I have broken down.
I haven't had a good cry - I haven't completely lost my cool in a long time.. & I know it sounds crazy to say that I need that - but I really do need to lose it in order to stay sane because I keep all of my emotions inside, and when I keep hold on to them for too long - my blow up is a lot worse than it should be. It's not fun.

In my last post - I finally let it all out.
I let out the bad - I let out all my irritation - I let out all my frustration - I let out all the tears.
I gained all the good - a clear heart and a clear mind - Let's just quote Friday Night Lights here and say "Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose".

We all have been there. I know that I'm not alone - I know that there are other mothers out there struggling just like me. There are young mothers who went from being someone's daughter to someone's mother just like I did - there are so many of us who have fallen that find it hard to find peace in order to move one.

Whatever any of us are struggling with - All of us seem to forget that life goes on.
Life just keeps going - The clock keeps ticking.

I'm a fighter - You're a fighter.
All of us are fighters.
Every day.

This whole weird stage of my life right now is confusing {who knew your twenties would be this hard} - I know that this struggle will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.
I know that my struggle will be worth my success - whether it be getting a promotion at work or watching my children graduate. My fight - My struggle - It will all be worth that success.
Here's to life going on and hoping that we all continue to fight on.


xxo


 
 
What inspires you to keep fighting?

 

MY HONEST TRUTH

I am so angry.
I am so irritated. I am just so upset every minute of every day.
Depressed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for how I feel - I want so badly to talk to someone, to cry, and to pour my heart out - but I can't because I just want to be left alone all the time. I don't feel like myself. I feel disgusted - I hate who I am right now. I don't like myself one bit.

I feel like my life is torn to pieces. I feel hopeless.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt my eyes watering up as I scrolled through social media tonight - Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.
I saw family and friends enjoying their Saturday night with people they love - like everyone should be.
I just wanted to cry. I don't understand why I saw that as no one wanting me to be with them or thinking that I'm not good enough to be around them since I was at home being miserable. 

I sound like a horrible Mother right now.
I feel like a horrible Mother.
I hope you don't think that I am - I hope that you know that even though I feel so sad, I do everything for my children. I do everything to make sure they are happy. I wake up for my children, I cook for my children, I laugh for my children, I smile for my children, I make memories for my children - but I do nothing for myself.

Depression makes me want to find myself - like I mentioned in my last post..
It makes me want something better, but I just can't find the hope or motivation to make things better - and I just don't know why that is. I just want to feel alive again.

I know what people are going to tell me as soon as I publish this post - that I should be thankful that I am blessed with 3 beautiful healthy children, that I have a roof over my head, and that I am more blessed than a lot of other people - but to be honest I KNOW all of that and it still doesn't help make me feel better. For some reason it makes me angrier because I hate myself for feeling like this when I KNOW how blessed I am - hearing it makes me feel like someone is punching me right in the gut over and over. It hurts to feel this pain when I know I shouldn't feel this way.

"You're a good person who made bad decisions."
Do you believe that? I have made so many bad decisions - so many bad decisions. I don't feel like I am a good person anymore. I don't feel like I'm worthy of being blessed as much as I am - and I hate that people think that I am a good person and they try to help me because I know I don't deserve it. I just don't.

This post is not meant to scare anyone - This post is not meant to come off as if I'm totally ready to lose my life because that is not what I want at all. All I want is to get these feelings out. I don't have anyone to talk to - I used to have friends, but since I'm a 24 year old Mother who would rather spend her weekends at home with her family and not at the club - there are not any friends left around. I just need to admit to myself how bad things feel at this point in my life. I need to release all of my bad energy because all I want is good energy.

All I want is for things to be better.
I just want things to be better for my children.
I know I should say for myself - but that is not how I feel at this moment and maybe one day that will change.
Wish me luck.


xxo

I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE

 
 
My best friend told me that he plans to move to California next year.
I wanted to tell him what a stupid idea that is, considering we live in the middle of the country where life is a lot easier {and cheaper} - but I told him the complete opposite. I told him how great it was that he was deciding to leave Kansas - how he SHOULD go out and enjoy his life while we still have time to make mistakes and learn from them. I was a little jealous. We are only 24 years old and I always forget that. I felt myself saying words I didn't recognize - like "go out and live your life, we are so young that we deserve to live it up right now" - I started to wish I would take my own advice. I'm the same age as my friend - the one I'm telling to go live his young life - when I'm sitting at home not doing it myself, the highlight of my weeks are based off of my children. 

I don't spend any of my time 'living' my life for me. It has gotten to the point where I thought to myself "this is as good as it's going to get" - where I look forward to PTA meetings just so I can have some adult interaction outside of my home. I'm so focused on the future, where my children start getting busier with their schedules - that way I can stay busy with their lives instead of thinking of making my own better. Is that what Motherhood is supposed to be all about? As Mothers - are we supposed to forget the things we love in order to make room for our children's needs/wants? Sometimes I feel like that IS what being a Mother is all about for me.

There are times where I don't remember what I love anymore. I don't know what to wear when I'm not trying to impress other parents {so I don't look like I'm still in high school} - I don't know the things I love to do anymore - I don't know who I am anymore, besides a Mother.

Now I feel like I am starting to sound like a 24 year old who is having a mid-life crisis way too early..

After having that conversation with my friend about his move to California - I decided that it wasn't too late for me to take my own advice either, because I DO still believe in love.

I still believe in love.
I still believe in finding love.
I still believe in finding love within myself.
I believe in feeling alive again and finding my happy ending.

I know that I can't travel the world {one day Kristy, one day} or move away from this little town I live in - but I can still go out and conquer my fears and learn how to be a better person. Finding the good in myself again seems important to me in order to be a better Mother, I need my children to look up to me and live a better life than the one my decisions have led me to. I need to feel alive again to make my children feel that same feeling.

So here goes nothing.. Here's to finding love again.
Wish me luck.

xxo