I am so angry.
I am so irritated. I am just so upset every minute of every day.
Depressed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for how I feel - I want so badly to talk to someone, to cry, and to pour my heart out - but I can't because I just want to be left alone all the time. I don't feel like myself. I feel disgusted - I hate who I am right now. I don't like myself one bit.
I feel like my life is torn to pieces. I feel hopeless.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I felt my eyes watering up as I scrolled through social media tonight - Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.
I saw family and friends enjoying their Saturday night with people they love - like everyone should be.
I just wanted to cry. I don't understand why I saw that as no one wanting me to be with them or thinking that I'm not good enough to be around them since I was at home being miserable.
I sound like a horrible Mother right now.
I feel like a horrible Mother.
I hope you don't think that I am - I hope that you know that even though I feel so sad, I do everything for my children. I do everything to make sure they are happy. I wake up for my children, I cook for my children, I laugh for my children, I smile for my children, I make memories for my children - but I do nothing for myself.
Depression makes me want to find myself - like I mentioned in my last post..
It makes me want something better, but I just can't find the hope or motivation to make things better - and I just don't know why that is. I just want to feel alive again.
I know what people are going to tell me as soon as I publish this post - that I should be thankful that I am blessed with 3 beautiful healthy children, that I have a roof over my head, and that I am more blessed than a lot of other people - but to be honest I KNOW all of that and it still doesn't help make me feel better. For some reason it makes me angrier because I hate myself for feeling like this when I KNOW how blessed I am - hearing it makes me feel like someone is punching me right in the gut over and over. It hurts to feel this pain when I know I shouldn't feel this way.
"You're a good person who made bad decisions."
Do you believe that? I have made so many bad decisions - so many bad decisions. I don't feel like I am a good person anymore. I don't feel like I'm worthy of being blessed as much as I am - and I hate that people think that I am a good person and they try to help me because I know I don't deserve it. I just don't.
This post is not meant to scare anyone - This post is not meant to come off as if I'm totally ready to lose my life because that is not what I want at all. All I want is to get these feelings out. I don't have anyone to talk to - I used to have friends, but since I'm a 24 year old Mother who would rather spend her weekends at home with her family and not at the club - there are not any friends left around. I just need to admit to myself how bad things feel at this point in my life. I need to release all of my bad energy because all I want is good energy.
All I want is for things to be better.
I just want things to be better for my children.
I know I should say for myself - but that is not how I feel at this moment and maybe one day that will change.
Wish me luck.