OUR LIFE IS NOT PINTEREST WORTHY

I've been sick for the past month..
The first 2 weeks I couldn't even get out of bed.
Being a sick Mom started to put a real damper on the beginning of the fall season this year.

This past month - we haven't spent a lot of time outside, we haven't done many activities or crafts, and we definitely haven't gone many places. This time of year we are usually having a lot of fun, fall is my favorite season, and we are usually playing outside or heading to do fun family activities like exploring the pumpkin patch - but this year we didn't do any of that.
Honestly, my kids are lucky that we bought their Halloween costumes so early because I don't think I would have even had enough energy to face the crowds to go out and do a simple task like that.



 
I spent a lot of time in bed just scrolling through my Instagram and Facebook feeds..
I began to feel like a really horrible Mother.
I was scrolling through all these beautiful pictures of happy families out having fun doing all the things I wish we were able to do.
I was just really sad that I wasn't able to give my children memories like I was seeing other parents do with their own children.. & I just felt like my kids were not happy because they weren't able to do all the things I felt like they should of been doing on my imaginary list of 'Things To Do With Your Kids During The Fall'.

After I stopped feeling sorry for myself.. I started to ask myself why? Why does social media make me feel this way?
Why do I compare my life to others based on simple pictures posted on their social media?

I think social media is a beautiful thing - that's the truth.
I've been able to meet amazing people from all over the world thanks to a simple app called Instagram. It's amazing - BUT I also think it can be a dangerous thing.
I think it can be dangerous because it allows us to judge so easily. Our Instagram feeds make it easy for us to believe that others have a better life than our own. Our Facebook updates make it easy for us to believe that maybe we don't have our life as together as it should be - just because someone got a promotion or a marriage proposal.

Social media can make us feel unworthy - well at least it makes me feel unworthy..
& the truth is.. Our life is not Pinterest worthy.
We don't have a big beautiful home filled with matching pillows.
We don't eat lavish meals everyday.
Most days my kid's clothes don't even match.
.. & all of this is OK.

I have found the importance of social media this past month.
It's a beautiful thing that social media allows us to share our own story with others around the world.
It's a beautiful thing that social media allows us to stay in touch with our family in other states.
It's a beautiful thing for us to all witness how different we are from each other - yet we all still live very happy lives.

That is the truth.
We all live very happy lives.
Everyone is different.
It's really a beautiful thing to be able to connect - BUT still bond and build friendships around the world.

Our life may not be Pinterest worthy.
.. & even though we didn't get to do the traditional pumpkin patch this year, my children still got a pumpkin from the store and decorated it. We weren't able to accomplish things other families got to enjoy this year, but we were able to build different memories together.
My children still told me how happy they were everyday.
They still told me how much fun they had on Halloween - even though I wasn't able to make the costumes they really wanted.
.. & in all these moments I realized that I AM doing a good job.



 
I realized how important it is to STOP comparing our own life to others based on what we see on our social media pages.

We may not have as much as someone else, but our life is still just as great.

I hope this post helps you realize that comparing your life to others based on your Instagram feed is not good for you. I hope you believe that you have a beautiful life even if it's not Pinterest worthy. I hope you believe that YOUR story of the way you live your life - no matter how different it is to others - is a beautiful thing.


xxo
 

FINDING MY WAY BACK



I've been trying to find the right words, the right topic, the right way to come back to this special place of mine.

Months have passed since I last wrote anything down.
It's been a long time since I sat down to really think - to unplug from the world for just a bit and process my life into words.

I don't know where to start - so I'm just going to start off by saying that so much has changed since I last wrote anything down.. & I mean SO much.

When I started this journey my goal was to turn my life around and truly find myself again - here's a hint - that hasn't happened yet. The truth is that I've been running and I haven't stopped running since that first post here on 'Simply Nicollette'. I've been running away from all my problems and I've been hiding for a long time.. but I'm tired. I'm so tired of running.

I don't know why I am so afraid of dealing with my emotions, but I am.
I'm afraid of the downward spiral it could lead me on.
I get anxiety just thinking about facing my problems.
It's not healthy.

This year has been tough - emotionally and physically.
I feel like I have more problems that I even care to face and fix.
.. but I need to stop running.
Right now - I need to stop hiding.
It's time for me to open up the closet door and lay all my problems out on the floor and deal with them. It's time for me to find my way back to the light at the end of the tunnel.
It's time for me to free my heart and my mind from all the anxiety I hold on to.
I can't run and hide anymore.
It's time for me to find my way back.

I hope you continue to join me on my journey.
I hope that you don't give up on me as easily as I gave up on myself.
I hope you join me to break free and find your own way back.
Let's do this together.


xxo

 

LIFE GOES ON

"Your struggle is worth your success"
Someone once said that all great people struggle - they haven't met one successful person who hasn't been through a time where life did nothing but knock them down.

I spend a lot of time thinking that the universe is out to tear me apart.
I'm in such a weird stage of my life right now. I want it all - I want to be alone but I want a perfect home life at the same time. It's all very confusing. It's been a struggle ever since I had that 'aha moment' when I realized that I went from being someone's daughter to someone's mother without ever being no one's at all - It's been a rough couple of years trying to find peace with where my life has led me to.

It has been a long time since I have broken down.
I haven't had a good cry - I haven't completely lost my cool in a long time.. & I know it sounds crazy to say that I need that - but I really do need to lose it in order to stay sane because I keep all of my emotions inside, and when I keep hold on to them for too long - my blow up is a lot worse than it should be. It's not fun.

In my last post - I finally let it all out.
I let out the bad - I let out all my irritation - I let out all my frustration - I let out all the tears.
I gained all the good - a clear heart and a clear mind - Let's just quote Friday Night Lights here and say "Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose".

We all have been there. I know that I'm not alone - I know that there are other mothers out there struggling just like me. There are young mothers who went from being someone's daughter to someone's mother just like I did - there are so many of us who have fallen that find it hard to find peace in order to move one.

Whatever any of us are struggling with - All of us seem to forget that life goes on.
Life just keeps going - The clock keeps ticking.

I'm a fighter - You're a fighter.
All of us are fighters.
Every day.

This whole weird stage of my life right now is confusing {who knew your twenties would be this hard} - I know that this struggle will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.
I know that my struggle will be worth my success - whether it be getting a promotion at work or watching my children graduate. My fight - My struggle - It will all be worth that success.
Here's to life going on and hoping that we all continue to fight on.


xxo


 
 
What inspires you to keep fighting?

 

MY HONEST TRUTH

I am so angry.
I am so irritated. I am just so upset every minute of every day.
Depressed doesn't seem like a strong enough word for how I feel - I want so badly to talk to someone, to cry, and to pour my heart out - but I can't because I just want to be left alone all the time. I don't feel like myself. I feel disgusted - I hate who I am right now. I don't like myself one bit.

I feel like my life is torn to pieces. I feel hopeless.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt my eyes watering up as I scrolled through social media tonight - Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.
I saw family and friends enjoying their Saturday night with people they love - like everyone should be.
I just wanted to cry. I don't understand why I saw that as no one wanting me to be with them or thinking that I'm not good enough to be around them since I was at home being miserable. 

I sound like a horrible Mother right now.
I feel like a horrible Mother.
I hope you don't think that I am - I hope that you know that even though I feel so sad, I do everything for my children. I do everything to make sure they are happy. I wake up for my children, I cook for my children, I laugh for my children, I smile for my children, I make memories for my children - but I do nothing for myself.

Depression makes me want to find myself - like I mentioned in my last post..
It makes me want something better, but I just can't find the hope or motivation to make things better - and I just don't know why that is. I just want to feel alive again.

I know what people are going to tell me as soon as I publish this post - that I should be thankful that I am blessed with 3 beautiful healthy children, that I have a roof over my head, and that I am more blessed than a lot of other people - but to be honest I KNOW all of that and it still doesn't help make me feel better. For some reason it makes me angrier because I hate myself for feeling like this when I KNOW how blessed I am - hearing it makes me feel like someone is punching me right in the gut over and over. It hurts to feel this pain when I know I shouldn't feel this way.

"You're a good person who made bad decisions."
Do you believe that? I have made so many bad decisions - so many bad decisions. I don't feel like I am a good person anymore. I don't feel like I'm worthy of being blessed as much as I am - and I hate that people think that I am a good person and they try to help me because I know I don't deserve it. I just don't.

This post is not meant to scare anyone - This post is not meant to come off as if I'm totally ready to lose my life because that is not what I want at all. All I want is to get these feelings out. I don't have anyone to talk to - I used to have friends, but since I'm a 24 year old Mother who would rather spend her weekends at home with her family and not at the club - there are not any friends left around. I just need to admit to myself how bad things feel at this point in my life. I need to release all of my bad energy because all I want is good energy.

All I want is for things to be better.
I just want things to be better for my children.
I know I should say for myself - but that is not how I feel at this moment and maybe one day that will change.
Wish me luck.


xxo

I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE

 
 
My best friend told me that he plans to move to California next year.
I wanted to tell him what a stupid idea that is, considering we live in the middle of the country where life is a lot easier {and cheaper} - but I told him the complete opposite. I told him how great it was that he was deciding to leave Kansas - how he SHOULD go out and enjoy his life while we still have time to make mistakes and learn from them. I was a little jealous. We are only 24 years old and I always forget that. I felt myself saying words I didn't recognize - like "go out and live your life, we are so young that we deserve to live it up right now" - I started to wish I would take my own advice. I'm the same age as my friend - the one I'm telling to go live his young life - when I'm sitting at home not doing it myself, the highlight of my weeks are based off of my children. 

I don't spend any of my time 'living' my life for me. It has gotten to the point where I thought to myself "this is as good as it's going to get" - where I look forward to PTA meetings just so I can have some adult interaction outside of my home. I'm so focused on the future, where my children start getting busier with their schedules - that way I can stay busy with their lives instead of thinking of making my own better. Is that what Motherhood is supposed to be all about? As Mothers - are we supposed to forget the things we love in order to make room for our children's needs/wants? Sometimes I feel like that IS what being a Mother is all about for me.

There are times where I don't remember what I love anymore. I don't know what to wear when I'm not trying to impress other parents {so I don't look like I'm still in high school} - I don't know the things I love to do anymore - I don't know who I am anymore, besides a Mother.

Now I feel like I am starting to sound like a 24 year old who is having a mid-life crisis way too early..

After having that conversation with my friend about his move to California - I decided that it wasn't too late for me to take my own advice either, because I DO still believe in love.

I still believe in love.
I still believe in finding love.
I still believe in finding love within myself.
I believe in feeling alive again and finding my happy ending.

I know that I can't travel the world {one day Kristy, one day} or move away from this little town I live in - but I can still go out and conquer my fears and learn how to be a better person. Finding the good in myself again seems important to me in order to be a better Mother, I need my children to look up to me and live a better life than the one my decisions have led me to. I need to feel alive again to make my children feel that same feeling.

So here goes nothing.. Here's to finding love again.
Wish me luck.

xxo