June 30, 2016

FOR YOU, DAD

Losing my father has been incredibly crippling for me.
I have so many unresolved feelings regarding my dad. There isn't a moment in my day where I'm not wondering how those conversations we never had would be like.
 
When I first found out that he passed away.. I laughed.
I felt as if I was in a dream, like this couldn't really be happening. His family must be playing a trick on me. It was only hours before that I even found out that he was sick, so it was hard for me to believe any of it was real.
I took a shower immediately after finding out.. That's when the shock finally began to ware off.
I completely broke down. I cried hard. I punched my door. I was so frustrated. I was so angry. I was just so damn pissed that I wasn't there. I couldn't even call him to tell him that I forgive him.. That all I ever wanted was his love and to love him back. I was heartbroken.
I wondered who is going to walk me down the aisle now, dad?!
I know it's a weird thought to have, but that's what I was thinking.. I always dreamed of my wedding day, and the most important part of that day would be my dad walking me down the aisle. Being there. Being a part of something important happening in my life.
I wanted that and now I'll never have it.
It breaks my heart.
 
It's been over a month since he passed away.
I've spent the last month completely lost.
I feel worthless and sorry for myself every day.
I still feel as if I'm living in a dream.
 
All day I crave his love.
I wish I could write to him and ask him all the questions I have.
I wish I could tell him how much pain I'm in right now.
I wish he could tell me to stop feeling so damn guilty about being so upset about him being gone.
I just want him to tell me how to handle all of this.
I want him to tell me how to handle everything he left me with. I don't know where to begin with all these new relationships he's left behind for me, or if I should have these relationships. I don't know how to learn from this. I don't know how to find my way back to my life.
 
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know where to go next in my life.
I'm a bit of a mess.. And that's why I'm writing this.
 
I've shut people out of my life these past few years because I didn't think I needed love in my life.
I had my own family and the ones closest to me, and that's all I ever needed.
When I traveled for my father's funeral.. Well, it opened up my heart to a lot of new people and love I never knew I wanted or needed. I don't really know what I'm supposed to learn from all of this.. I'm still trying to figure it out.. But I do know that he wouldn't want me to stay depressed forever. I know he would tell me he doesn't deserve it, not from me.
 
He used to always tell me, "Things will always work out baby. You have to believe that."
So, this is for you dad.
I promise I will try to be a better person.
I promise to love everyone in my life and tell them every moment I get.
I promise to be a better mother, girlfriend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, aunt, friend, everything.
I promise to learn how to forgive you.
I promise to learn how to forgive myself.
I promise to find a way to live again.
 
If you're still reading this.. Thanks for hanging in there with me this past month. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I feel so blessed.. And that's why it pains me to have to bid farewell to this lovely space of mine.
 
It's time for me to take care of myself though.
I need to start doing instead of wishing.
I have to find myself again.
My promise to you, my readers (aka my mom and aunt), is that I'll be back one day.
I'll see you soon.
 
 
xxo